Avoiding a high conflict divorce

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It is not uncommon for a divorce to escalate into a contentious situation. While some circumstances may make this unavoidable, many high conflict divorces can easily be averted. 

In this article, we present you with strategies to help avoid a contentious divorce. 

Divorce is inherently painful, and this pain is exacerbated by conflict. There are numerous compelling reasons to prevent such disputes, and it is often achievable if both parties are committed to parting amicably.

What Leads to Contentious Divorces?

Divorce is rarely a decision made lightly. Often, it stems from a realisation that a future together is no longer viable. This realisation can sometimes emerge from a significant conflict, leaving both partners unable to communicate and leading to a high conflict divorce.

This scenario is not the only possibility. Frequently, unresolved conflicts can arise during the divorce process itself. This is understandable, as divorce is a challenging time filled with heightened emotions. Nevertheless, many of these conflicts can be prevented. Collaborating effectively with your ex-partner is crucial for several reasons.

The Importance of Preventing a Contentious Divorce

One of the primary reasons to avoid a contentious divorce is the well-being of your children. A divorce can profoundly affect children, and the impact is significantly lessened when parents manage the process harmoniously. Conversely, when parents engage in a bitter dispute, the risk of children experiencing depression, physical issues, and anxiety increases substantially. If you prioritise your children’s welfare, it is essential to take steps to prevent a high conflict divorce.

The same principle holds true even if your intentions regarding finances are positive. It is clear that a divorce can become significantly more expensive if it turns into a contentious situation. In such cases, engaging a divorce lawyer becomes necessary to represent your individual interests, which is often far more costly than pursuing an online divorce or divorce through a mediator. Additionally, the time factor is crucial. Navigating through a divorce can be an unpleasant experience, and it is natural to want to resolve it as quickly as possible. Achieving a smoother process is certainly more feasible if you can maintain a cooperative relationship with your ex-partner. Therefore, these strategies to avoid a contentious divorce can be a big help with your divorce journey.

Tips to prevent a contentious divorce

  1. Educate yourself about divorce-related issues. Seek advice and insights from experts and those with experience to ensure you are well-prepared for this journey. This knowledge can help clear up many uncertainties and misunderstandings for both you and your ex-partner.

  2. Communicate directly with your ex-partner about your desire to divorce. Avoid using intermediaries, such as lawyers or written messages to tell your partner of your intention to leave the relationship and file for divorce. 

    Choose a calm moment in a safe environment to share this news, steering clear of any conflict situations. There is a chance, no matter how small, that your partner is not expecting the news and this initial interaction can set the course for the entire process.

  3. Maintain honesty with one another. Share your thoughts, plans and feelings openly throughout the process. Concealing intentions can lead to a contentious divorce, if you’re going to collaborate on your divorce, you’ll have to trust one another.
  4. Both you and your ex partner will have an array of feelings and thoughts to process, so allow each other the necessary space and time to reflect on the situation, consider options, and make informed decisions about the future.
  5. Avoid placing blame on others. In conflicts, both parties share responsibility. The choice to divorce is not made lightly; typically, both individuals contribute to the situation, though that is not the focus at this moment. Accusations and blame serve no purpose and can lead to a more adversarial divorce. It is important to release past grievances and concentrate on the current journey and the future.
  6. Maintain open lines of communication. Effective dialogue is crucial for navigating the divorce process collaboratively. Keeping communication transparent can help prevent the situation from becoming more contentious. While this may be challenging, it is vital during this period.
  7. Be willing to make concessions. Understand that not every aspect of the divorce will align with your preferences. If both individuals can appreciate each other’s perspectives and show a readiness to compromise, the chances of conflict will be greatly reduced.
  8. Maintain privacy during the separation. While it is natural to seek support from family, friends, or others, exercise caution regarding well-intentioned advice. Many observers may instinctively take sides in such situations, which can lead to the formation of opposing camps. This is not conducive to achieving a peaceful divorce.
  9. Practice empathy. This advice is straightforward: in emotionally charged moments, it is easy to say things you might regret. Therefore, it is crucial to manage your emotions effectively. One way to do this is by preparing discussion points in advance. There is no need for immediate responses; given the significance of the topic, taking time to reflect is essential.
  10. Engage in self-reflection. It is likely that disagreements will arise during the divorce process, even if the separation is amicable. Open discussions or negotiations can be productive, provided that you remain grounded in reality. Self-reflection plays a vital role here. Continuously seeking to assert your own perspective, which may not always be entirely reasonable, can lead to conflict.
  11. Avoid discussing the separation in front of the children. This aspect has several dimensions. Firstly, addressing the divorce in the presence of children can significantly impact them. Additionally, their presence may prevent you from expressing everything you wish to say to your ex-partner or may lead to distractions. This is not an advisable approach.
  12. Always maintain mutual respect. This principle is one of the most critical on this list. Respect is fundamental in preventing a high conflict divorce. While you may wish to move on and view your ex-partner in a different light, you should always remain respectful towards one another.

Resources

Here are some links to more information on high conflict divorces,

A Huberman Lab Podcast: Communication, connection and conflict resolution

An article in Psychology Today: Understanding the effects of high conflict divorce on kids

Contact

Is some of this information incomplete or unclear?
Do you have a different question you’d like some help with?

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