I want a Divorce: How do I tell my partner?
Content
Introduction
Communicating to your partner that you wish to end your marriage is undoubtedly one of the most challenging conversations you will face, and how you approach it can significantly influence the entire divorce process.
Missteps in this conversation can introduce complications that may take years to resolve.
At this point, it is crucial to understand that this discussion is more of a declaration than a conversation. You are not seeking approval to exit your marriage, and it is unlikely that your partner will agree with or fully comprehend your decision.
Approach the situation with empathy and kindness; the consideration you extend to the person with whom you have shared your life and raised children will greatly contribute to fostering a cooperative divorce and co-parenting dynamic with someone who will remain a part of your life indefinitely.
Notice of separation
How you deliver the news about your desire for a divorce is crucial. It can even influence how the rest of the divorce process unfolds. This moment is often referred to as the notice of separation.
Your decision may catch your partner off guard, leading to a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and uncertainty. Therefore, it’s essential to clearly articulate your reasons for wanting to end the marriage.
A personal discussion
It’s important to approach the discussion with care. Even if your partner is already aware of your concerns regarding the relationship, the way you handle the conversation can significantly impact the divorce process. Make it a point to talk in person when you decide to discuss divorce. Using a letter, email, text, or even a phone call can lead to misunderstandings or heightened emotions. Ensure you have enough time and that you’re in a private setting. This conversation will be emotional for both of you, whether it brings feelings of sadness, shock, fear, or even relief.
Take some time to plan when you will bring up the topic of divorce.
Consider where and when you want to have this important conversation. Your home can often provide a comfortable environment for such discussions. Make sure the children are either with family, a babysitter, or already asleep. Being at home allows either of you to step into another room for privacy, or it can serve as a safe space to share your feelings together, whatever they are; sadness or relieve. If your partner needs some time alone or wants to step out, be sure to give them that space.
Having the conversation after dinner can ensure that there are no practical/logistical matters to address together for the rest of the evening.
What topics should you cover in this conversation?
Take time to prepare your thoughts. Being as clear as possible is crucial, as it helps eliminate any uncertainty about your intentions.
Outline the reasons behind your desire to divorce, and be ready to explain them well.
It’s important to be open about your feelings and the rationale behind your choice.
Avoid placing blame; say “I want to divorce because I…” instead of saying “I want to divorce because you…”.
Share your reasons for wanting to end the marriage, and acknowledge the other person’s role in the decision-making process, even if it’s a tough conversation.
Tips for a smooth conversation
We have some suggestions to facilitate a smooth conversation:
- Unless you have a good reason to, don’t delay the conversation.
- Always show respect to your partner.
- Choose a time for the conversation when you have no other commitments, allowing for a relaxed atmosphere.
- Be direct and calmly express your desire to divorce, while also explaining your reasons.
- Try to remain unaffected by your partner’s emotional responses, such as anger.
- Remember that your partner’s reaction may not align with your expectations, so allow them the space to respond.
- Give your partner adequate time to process the news especially if it comes as a surprise; it could be anything from a few hours to a few weeks that your partner needs to process the information.
- Refrain from giving your partner hope that you might change your mind, this can lead to confusion and cause a lot of damage in the future.
Critically, avoid the temptation during this conversation, to move on to discussing divorce arrangements, finances, or child custody. It’s best to hold off on these topics until your partner has had some time to process the news. If your partner asks something that relates to this, for example “where will I live?” you could say “we’ll figure out the logistics later”.
What should I do next?
Keep in mind that you are the one who finally made the decision to go through with a divorce, which means there is a good chance that you are further along in the emotional journey of the separation than your partner.
They might still be coming to terms with the separation, so give them the space they need to adjust to the idea.
Once you both feel more comfortable, you can start discussing the next steps together which could include telling the children about the separation.
Additionally, there are several formal steps to take during the divorce process, including creating agreements for the divorce settlement and parenting plan, filing the divorce with the court, and registering the divorce with the local municipality, all of which the mediator will help you with.
Resources
Here are some links to more information on the topics discussed above,
From Psychologytoday.com:
How Do You Choose Whether to Stay or Go?
How NOT to Tell Your Spouse You Want Out
From government.nl:
Arranging a divorce, legal separation or ending a civil partnership
Contact
Is some of this information incomplete or unclear?
Do you have a different question you’d like help with?
We’re specialised in expat divorces and we’re here for you, please write us at info@familymediationdelft.nl
Would you like to try mediation? Send us an email and we’ll set up an appointment for you.