Short answer: Before your first mediation conversation, gather the key facts and documents about your family, children, finances, housing and international connections—but you do not need to have every answer or agree on every issue. The first meeting is usually about understanding the situation, explaining how mediation works and identifying the decisions that need attention.
For an international family in the Netherlands, preparation also means thinking about language, travel between countries, different legal systems, school calendars and the practical reality of raising children across borders. A mediator can help you organise the conversation, but mediation remains a voluntary process: both participants need to be willing to take part and work towards their own agreements.
This article gives general information, not personalised legal advice. Cross-border families should obtain independent legal advice when their circumstances involve urgent risk, an international move, disputed jurisdiction, complex assets or other issues that require advice about the law.
What is the purpose of the first mediation conversation?
The first conversation is not usually a hearing and the mediator is not a judge. The mediator’s role is to provide a neutral structure in which both people can explain what is happening, identify the issues and explore whether mediation is suitable.
Depending on the practice and the family’s circumstances, the first meeting may cover:
- Who is involved and what has led to the request for mediation;
- Whether both people understand and agree to participate voluntarily;
- What you want to resolve, such as arrangements for children, housing or finances;
- Any urgent concerns, including safety, coercion, substance misuse or a risk that a child may be taken across a border;
- Language, accessibility and communication needs;
- The mediator’s neutrality, confidentiality arrangements and the practical process;
- What information or documents may be useful for later sessions;
- Whether mediation is suitable now, or whether another form of legal or professional support is needed first.
You do not have to arrive with a finished parenting plan or a complete financial settlement. Preparation helps the conversation become clearer; it is not a test that you must pass.
What should you gather before mediation?
Start with a simple folder—digital or paper—and separate information into family, children, finances and practical arrangements. Only collect information that is relevant and safe to share. If gathering documents could increase conflict or risk, discuss a safer way to prepare with an appropriate professional.
1. Basic family and relationship information
- Full names, dates of birth and contact details for both participants;
- Where each person currently lives and where the children usually live;
- Marriage, civil-partnership or cohabitation information, if relevant;
- Citizenships, residence permits and countries with which the family has a close connection;
- Whether a divorce, separation or other family case has already started;
- Any existing agreements, court orders, parenting plans or written arrangements.
International families should also note which language each person prefers for difficult conversations. It is important that both participants understand the discussion well enough to make informed choices. A mediator may be able to work in English or another language, or discuss interpretation where appropriate.
2. Information about the children
If you have children, prepare a factual overview rather than a list of accusations. Useful information can include:
- The children’s ages, daily routines and current living arrangements;
- School, childcare, healthcare and any additional support;
- How the children currently spend time with each parent;
- Important relationships with grandparents, siblings and relatives abroad;
- Regular activities, religious or cultural practices and significant dates;
- Travel documents, nationality questions and any existing travel restrictions;
- What is working well and what is causing repeated disagreement.
It can help to bring a calendar showing school terms, holidays, work patterns and travel commitments. For families living in different countries, include realistic travel time, flight or train connections, costs, handover arrangements and what happens when travel is disrupted.
In the Netherlands, parents with children under 18 generally need a parenting plan when they divorce, separate or end a civil partnership. Government information says the plan should address the care or contact arrangement, communication about important issues such as school choice, and the costs of care and upbringing. The official guidance also suggests that parents may include practical parenting rules and arrangements for contact with family members. See Government.nl’s explanation of parenting plans.
3. Financial documents and a monthly overview
You do not necessarily need a perfect financial statement at the first meeting. A clear overview of the main income, costs, assets and debts is often a good starting point. Depending on the issues, gather:
- Recent payslips, benefit information or business income records;
- Bank and savings account summaries;
- Mortgage, rent, energy and other housing costs;
- Loans, credit cards, tax debts and other liabilities;
- Information about the family home and other property;
- Pension information and, where relevant, investments or business interests;
- Regular costs for childcare, education, healthcare and travel;
- Any existing maintenance or support arrangements.
For international families, record the currency and country for each account or obligation. Note whether income is paid in euros or another currency, whether tax is paid in more than one country and whether property or pensions are located abroad. Do not assume that a document from another country has the same legal or financial meaning in the Netherlands.
4. Housing and practical arrangements
Make a note of the current housing situation and the decisions that may be needed:
- Who currently lives in the home;
- Whether the home is rented or owned;
- Whether one person hopes to stay, sell or move;
- How household bills are being paid;
- Where children will keep clothes, school items and personal belongings;
- How keys, post, pets and shared possessions will be managed.
Practical details matter because an agreement that looks reasonable on paper may be difficult to follow in real life. A mediator can help turn general intentions into arrangements with clear times, responsibilities and review points.
What should you think about before the meeting?
Preparation is not only about paperwork. Before mediation, consider what you need, what your children need and where you might have flexibility.
Separate positions from interests
A position is what someone says they want: for example, “the children must stay with me during the school week.” An interest is the concern beneath it: school stability, work commitments, fear of losing contact or a wish to protect a child’s routine. Explaining the underlying concern often creates more options.
Try writing down three short lists:
- Essential: issues you believe must be addressed;
- Important: matters you strongly prefer but may be able to discuss;
- Flexible: areas where several solutions could work.
This is not a negotiation script. It is a way to distinguish priorities from assumptions before the conversation becomes emotional.
Prepare questions, not only demands
Useful questions might include:
- How can handovers work if parents live in different cities or countries?
- How will we share school and medical information?
- How much notice is needed for international travel?
- What happens if a flight is cancelled or a child is ill?
- How will we make decisions about education, healthcare and passports?
- When should we review the arrangement as the children grow?
Questions invite problem-solving. They also help the mediator understand where a practical agreement needs more detail.
What happens during mediation?
Every mediator has their own process, but a typical conversation has several elements.
Explaining the framework
The mediator may explain neutrality, confidentiality, voluntary participation, respectful communication and how information will be handled. Ask about anything you do not understand. You should know whether the mediator can provide legal information, what they cannot advise on and when independent legal advice is recommended.
Giving each person space to speak
Both participants should have an opportunity to describe the situation and what they hope to achieve. The mediator may summarise what they hear and identify points of agreement or disagreement. This does not mean every statement is accepted as proven; it is a way of making the issues visible and reducing misunderstanding.
Identifying the agenda
The mediator may help create an agenda, often beginning with urgent parenting or safety issues and then moving to longer-term arrangements and financial matters. You may not resolve every issue in one meeting. A clear agenda can still make the next step manageable.
Exploring options
Mediation is not simply about splitting the difference. The aim is to explore options that are lawful, workable and responsive to the family’s circumstances. In an international family, this may include several care schedules, different holiday patterns, digital contact, travel protocols and methods for sharing information across borders.
Recording next steps
At the end, the mediator may summarise what has been agreed, what information is still needed and what will be discussed next. A discussion point is not necessarily a final agreement. Read any written summary carefully and ask for corrections if it does not reflect what was said.
How can international families make mediation more workable?
Use plain language
Legal and family terminology can be confusing across languages. Ask participants to avoid unexplained abbreviations and to define terms such as parental responsibility, contact, maintenance and residence. If interpretation is needed, make sure the interpreter is independent and that everyone has time to speak.
Use a shared calendar
A calendar can make school holidays, birthdays, religious events, travel windows and handovers easier to understand than a long paragraph. Include time zones when parents live in different countries and specify who books or pays for travel.
Build in review points
Children’s needs, school arrangements and work patterns change. An agreement can include a date or event for reviewing practical arrangements. A review is not an automatic promise that the schedule will change; it is an opportunity to consider whether it still works.
Distinguish mediation from legal advice
A mediator can help participants communicate and develop agreements, but a mediator is not automatically the personal lawyer of either participant. The Dutch judiciary explains that mediation is guided by an independent mediator and depends on the parties working together towards a solution. For questions about rights, jurisdiction, enforceability or the effect of an agreement in another country, independent legal advice may be appropriate.
When might mediation not be suitable?
Mediation requires a meaningful ability to participate freely. It may not be suitable, or may need additional safeguards, where there is domestic abuse, coercive control, serious intimidation, severe power imbalance, urgent child-safety concerns or a real risk of wrongful removal across a border.
Tell the mediator about safety concerns as early as possible. Do not use mediation to delay urgent protection. Depending on the circumstances, legal advice, court measures, specialist support or separate meetings may be needed. A mediator should help assess suitability, but cannot replace an emergency service or personal lawyer.
The Juridisch Loket notes that both parties need to be willing to use mediation. If one person does not want to participate, mediation cannot be imposed as a normal cooperative process.
Frequently asked questions
Do we need to agree before the first meeting?
No. You may disagree about the issues and still explore whether mediation can help. You do need to be willing to participate honestly and respectfully enough for a structured conversation to take place.
Should I bring a lawyer?
That depends on the process and your circumstances. A mediator may explain general legal principles, but independent legal advice can be important where you need advice about your own rights, international law, property, pensions, immigration or an existing court case.
What if we do not speak the same language?
Discuss language needs before the meeting. A professional interpreter or another suitable arrangement may help. Both participants should understand the conversation and any proposed written agreement.
Can we discuss children, finances and moving abroad in mediation?
These issues can be discussed if mediation is suitable and both participants can participate freely. Relocation and cross-border travel can involve legal questions and time-sensitive risks, so obtain specialist advice where needed.
Key takeaways
- Bring a clear overview, not necessarily a complete solution.
- Gather relevant information about children, money, housing and international connections.
- Use calendars and plain language to make cross-border arrangements practical.
- Prepare questions and identify your priorities before the meeting.
- Tell the mediator about safety, coercion or urgent international risks.
- Remember that mediation supports joint decision-making; it is not a substitute for personal legal advice.
Could mediation help you and your former partner organise the next steps? Learn about divorce facilitation at Family Mediation Delft, or view times for an introductory mediation conversation.